Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Never underestimate the power of titties
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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