It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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