a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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