"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
There's always time for handjobs
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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