Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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