You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
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Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
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I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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