i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Sext me about skeletons
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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