do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
