I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
