1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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