im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
pop tarts are not kleenex
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
