I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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