Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
