sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I intend to get homeless drunk
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
