mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
