the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
