woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
