Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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