I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
