in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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