I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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