Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
How external is "for external use only"?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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