Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
