i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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