I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
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my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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