Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
