either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
