I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
