Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
