Ambien. No doubt about it.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
