flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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