I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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