i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
