My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
That reminds me...we need to get swords
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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