A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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