K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
