I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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