I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
