i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
