He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
My pussy is not your playground.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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