Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
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She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
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He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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