I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
