why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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