well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
