She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
3pm strippers are depressing
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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