I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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