Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
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you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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