Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
