Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
