am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
