DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
