Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
