so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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