An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
