Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
