Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
