every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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