am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
