I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
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