I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
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my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
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You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.