Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.